Haystacks, Dusk
by LionessInTheSmoke
Summary: This is basically "Gambit" with extra added spy coolness, because sometimes spies steal stuff and occasionally they need good-looking pleb gymnasts with unexpected talents to help them. As much as Merlin really wishes they didn't. AU - Different first meeting. Rated T for lots of language.


**AN** \- I have no rights to anything recognizable from either film (or elsewhere, I know I had at least two Sherlock moments), but everything is better with extra added spy coolness. Especially if you ignore any plot-holes I dug myself. The really big one is discussed in AN2 at the end of the story, if you care. So, all hail to the relevant people, who are all far more talented and creative than me.

As usual, swearing and implied Malahad (and Percilot. Because it clearly is now an accepted thing.). AU, different first meeting, Lee was not a trainee. Also head cannon. Everywhere. Including Eggsy's latest unexpected skill. Excuse Harry being a bit of a pushover, he is acting.

Dialog heavy, because I don't do the descriptive thing unless forced to. No, really. My editing checklist says; spell-check, formatting, add some adjectives ...

* * *

"While I am at it, I could do something for the house. We could redecorate." Merlin's voice was slightly distracted in Galahad's ear.

For once it was not because he was running multiple missions either. Things were rather slow at Kingsman, all the bad guys having taken their two weeks off and gone to Barbados. Percival was keeping a discrete eye on the situation there, whilst working on his tan and catching up on his back issues of 'Nuclear Physics A'. The jammy Welsh sod. Not that Merlin minded his current assignment either really.

"What did you have in mind?" Harry asked, not taking his eyes off the highly energetic display on the floor in front of him.

"The downstairs loo." Merlin replied.

"Not that again Merlin! I told you when you moved in, that if you loved me, you had to love my dog too."

"He was alive when I moved in. And it is not just him. The whole room is... An aesthetic nightmare."

"Since when have you cared about aesthetics?" Harry scoffed into his popcorn and resisted the urge to cheer a particularly well executed dismount. That was the competition decided, all that was left was the score cards to confirm it and the presentation of medals.

"Since this mission called for the reawakening of my artist talents." Merlin replied. "And by the way, I am not so distracted as not to have noticed you taking a decided interest in the _aesthetics_ on display."

"Really Merlin, it is helpful that he is attractive. Much better to distract the mark."

"Are you the mark?"

"Don't be difficult."

"Stop oggling the boy's arse Galahad. Or you will be sleeping on the couch."

"I am quite sure I am still the owner of the bed in which you sleep."

"Would you like to bet on that if it came to court?"

No, no Harry would most definitely not like to bet on it. Merlin was capable of forging an awfully wide range of things. Unfairly talented bastard. He was also a terrible cheater whenever a wager was involved, and, even more annoyingly, almost impossible to catch at it.

"When I die, I will make sure to only leave you the second best bed." Harry said sulkily. "The one in the green guestroom that you hate because it gives you backache. I'll leave ours to Tristam so that I can be sure it will be put to good use, because I know damned well no one will put up with the blocks of ice you call feet."

"What makes you think I haven't already forged your will?" Merlin asked.

"Right down to the bed? Well that really does rather play to the tight Scottish stereotype. I think it is time I went to the pub."

Harry abandoned the remains of his popcorn on the bench and allowed himself to drift along towards the exit with the rest of the crowd. He would beat his target there in any case, because he did not have to shower and change out of a sweaty leotard.

* * *

"What are you going to tell him?" Merlin asked, once again in his ear once Harry was seated in The Black Prince with a pint of Guinness.

"As little as possible."

Harry could hear the eyeroll over the comms but he was concentrating on not letting any of his charcoal coloured suit come into contact with the slightly sticky table.

"Genius." The Scot muttered.

"I am going to get punched, aren't I?" Harry asked, as he watched his young target take a place at the bar with his two friends.

"Highly likely." Merlin replied, sounding awfully cheerful at the prospect.

"They are going to go for the nose. Whenever I have to take a hit, they always go for the nose." Harry grumbled.

"It is an effective move." Merlin replied. "And the universe's revenge for you being so pretty. Is he going to bite?"

"For goodness sake, he lives in a council flat with his abusive stepfather and is going to use his competition winnings to buy nappies for his half-sister. Of course he will agree. I am frankly insulted you don't think I can sell it to him."

"Better go and talk to him then, before someone else gets a good look at his sex-flush and decides to try their luck."

"Sex-flush?" Asked Harry, looking closer at the glowing skin of the target.

"Quick wank in the shower I expect. With his praise kink, he'll have been having a hard time keeping things decent in that leotard after that win and all those congratulations."

"Right." Harry coughed. "Well then, engaging."

* * *

Harry got shouted at (loudly), insulted (unimaginatively), poked (rudely) with a finger he had longed to break _and_ punched on the nose. But not by the target, who looked mildly mortified by the whole thing.

Harry managed to discretely snag his half-finished pint of Guinness on his way past as he made his shuffling exit, and sat at the picnic table outside to do a frankly Oscar-worthy version of 'hunched-up, misunderstood and much maligned', whilst trying to clean up the blood on his face without a proper reflective surface.

"Ruins the taste." He muttered to Merlin.

"Tastes like shit anyway." Merlin replied. "Less than 2 minutes, he really liked the look of you." The Scot said as the target poked his head cautiously out of the pub before coming and plonking himself down across from Harry.

"Head still on the right way round? Got all yer bits?" The blond asked, looking up though his eyelashes.

"Yes, thank you. All present and correct." Harry replied and was startled when the young man pulled a packet of wet wipes out of his pocket and began dabbing at Harry's face with one.

"Baby sister." Merlin whispered.

"Don't mind Ryan. He's always looking for a good reason to kick off. Had all the cartilage taken outta his conk so there's less time between his opportunities to get punched on it."

"You could consider that." Merlin chuckled in his ear.

"Only an idiot uses violence to solve all their problems." Harry said.

"He were just defending me honour. You don't belong 'round here mate, and it sounded like you were making quite the indecent proposal?"

It was definitely a question and Harry was momentarily unsure how to respond.

"No known evidence, but if the situation was desperate enough, 50 quid for a quick go in the gents would tide them over ..." Merlin answered the unasked question.

"I was." Harry said and the young man's face closed off. "But not of the type you are thinking." Harry continued quickly. "Will you allow me to tell you my plan Mr Unwin? As you have noted, I have gone rather out of my comfort zone to meet you. Considerably further than Smith Street."

"Why not? Ain't got nothin' to loose 'ave I?"

"Thank you, Mr Unwin. My name is Harry Deane and I work as a curator for a most unpleasant man by the name of Lord Lionel Shahbandar. Media tycoon, art collector, arsehole of the first water. You may have heard of him?"

"Owns _The Sun_." Said Mr Unwin, surprising Harry again.

Harry's experience with the man so far had been enough to have him seriously considering buying a different paper for his wall of absurd post-mission headlines, but privately Harry was a man of habits and he hated changing things. Hence the regular arguments with Merlin about redecorating and the necessity of buying books in the hardback edition so that they were uniform in his library and not randomly changing formats in the middle of series on the whim of a publisher. Slightly unfairly, Harry held Shahbandar personally responsible for that as well by this point in their acquaintance. It is safe to say Harry Hart would have despised Lionel Shahbandar even if he hadn't known that, as well as his legitimate business empire, he was also an arms dealer specializing in weapons banned under the Geneva Convention. And an avid supporter of fox hunting. Harry had always hated fox hunting and had tended to develop the flu just in time to avoid it as a young man.

"Yes. Amongst many other things. I am underpaid, over-worked, not appreciated and frequently insulted and humiliated, and, quite frankly, I have had enough."

"If you're looking to have him offed," Mr Unwin said, clearly a bit nervous about Harry's vehemence "you've got the wrong bloke. I'm a gymnast, not a ninja."

"Good gracious _no_! He relies on me to authenticate his artwork. With your help, providing a very plausible backstory, I intend to fleece him for a fake I've had prepared. All you have to do is sell the story and stand firm during price negotiations. For which you will receive 500,000 Pounds Sterling. Without having to render any other services."

"Sounds too good to be true. You sure it'll work?"

"If everyone sticks to the plan." Harry said. "It is, if do so say myself, an excellent plan."

"And what if I told you that I have a real thing for Daddy-types and would like some added benefits with me paycheck?" Mr Unwin asked, tilting his head and attempting to look innocent.

" _Brazen little shit_!" Merlin said, none too quietly.

Harry winced and coughed.

"Then I would have to say that, while I am flattered by the compliment, I have been in a committed relationship as long as you have been alive."

"Can he bend the way I can?" Mr Unwin asked, no longer looking quite so innocent.

Merlin growled in Harry's ear.

"Not any more, alas. But then, neither can I. He runs though, so he has quite fantastic legs and a delightful derriere."

"Two fit older blokes. He don't share?"

"Not even his chips." Said Harry sadly. "Shall we? Mr Unwin?"

"If we're scamming together, call me Eggsy."

"Right, well, I shall call an acquaintance of mine and get him to meet us at your flat to take some pictures. I can fill you in on the story and how you fit in on the way over."

"Yeah." Said Eggsy. "Have to be quick though like. Dunno when Dean might get back."

* * *

"So me great-gramps was an art thief? That is sick." Eggsy said as he trotted alongside Harry, reminding the older man very much of a half-grown retriever. He gave brief grunts and nods of acknowledgement to various estate dwellers as they went along, but managed to effectively signal that he was not interested in chatting just now and the strange man beside him was not to be bothered either. Harry felt pleased he did not have to defend his wallet.

"He was not an art thief, Eggsy. He was part of a commando group that liberated art stolen by the Nazis."

"Yeah, so he was like a Robin Hood art thief."

"Aside from the fact that the people who owned Monets then were, generally and relatively speaking, no less well off than the people who own them now. So there was little giving to the poor involved. Except for the pieces that went back to museums, I suppose."

"But he was still a good guy?"

"Most people would see his contribution as such, yes." Harry agreed as this seemed to be an important point to the young man. "He did save a number of items that were on the list of _Entartete Kunst_ , things that otherwise would have been destroyed. At least officially. Do you not know much about your family history?"

"Harry, bruv, despite whatever hard times you've fallen on that mean _you actually have to work_ as an art curator, you're clearly the type who knows where your family was at the Battle of Waterloo. Me mam either don't know shit about the Unwin side, or she won't talk about it since Dad died."

"Hmm." Said Harry considering the information. Eggsy was not stupid, but he under-estimated himself and others. Harry knew where his family had been at the Battle of Hastings. "That is a shame, perhaps you have more than one interesting ancestor that you know nothing about."

"Doubt it, we're a bit too pleb to be interesting. Great-gramps clearly only managed it coz there was a war on."

"My dear boy," said Harry, "what you are failing to consider is that, prior to the peace of 1945, there was always a war on."

"Uh." Said Eggsy and clearly did consider the matter as he continued to lead Harry to his through the concrete jungle to the flat.

* * *

Harry was pleased to see Lancelot was already there, leaning apparently casually against the side of his taxi. He was keeping a weather-eye on the local fauna, which Harry entirely understood.

"James." He smiled, holding out a hand to make the impression of an acquaintance long not seen.

"Hello Harry, good to see you old thing." James clapped Harry's shoulder with a warm squeeze and gave him his best mega-watt smile. "Is this our gymnast?"

"James, Eggsy Unwin."

"Delighted." James shook Eggsy's hand too.

"You don't look like a cabbie." Eggsy said, giving James' outrageous checked suit a look over. And his legs serious consideration.

"Good grief, is he still in the hormonal stage?" Merlin muttered at both agents.

"Well, today I am playing the part of a photographer aren't I?" Said James with a wink, as if that cleared the whole thing up. "But as a matter of fact, I passed _The Knowledge_ in '95 when I graduated from Oxford and discovered no one needed Classical Greek scholars."

"That must've come as a real shock." Said Eggsy with absolutely no sympathy whatsoever.

"I can't say it has upset me greatly, you meet a good deal more interesting people as a taxi driver than you do studying dusty scrolls."

"Such as Harry?"

"Good grief no. Met Harry playing rugby."

"Gentlemen." Harry broke in before James was forced to invent an entire first meeting that he would then be forced to remember. "We are on a deadline, so could we perhaps move it inside?"

"Yeah, no worries Harry." Said Eggsy.

James threw open the boot, extracted a wrapped up parcel, a camera bag, several lights and a tripod, distributed the load amongst the three of them and very carefully locked the taxi.

"I've grounded it." Said Merlin in Harry and James' ears. "Don't touch it until I've released the security measures."

"Right gents, up we go." Eggsy muttered, visibly preparing himself.

* * *

The flat was, horrifyingly, even worse than Harry had imagined it would be.

He put on his best polite smile, noticed James do the same thing and then noticed that Eggsy had noticed what they had done and gone to coo at his tiny baby sister to hide his awkwardness. Harry felt rather bad about the young man's situation and his obvious shame.

Eggsy's mother would have been a pretty woman, if she had not over indulged in various addictive behaviors and had used the money to take care of herself and the flat instead. Harry suspected that this self-destructive behavior was actively encouraged by the step-father to better keep her dependent and under control.

"Mum?" Eggsy said, approaching Michelle as one would a timid wild animal. "These gents are here to take a few pictures for an article about me gymnastics, if that's alright?"

"Was that today, Love?" Michelle asked, her eyes glassy with some substance or another. "Sorry I missed it."

"That's alright, Mum, weren't anything spectacular."

Harry was starting to feel distinctly ill. James also had a tightness around the eyes.

"If you would like to go with James, Mrs Unwin." Harry said, intentionally using the wrong surname. "He has quite extensive experience of hairdressing."

"You want me to be in the pictures?" Michelle asked, surprised. Eggsy looked surprised too.

"Certainly. It is rare that someone becomes as good a man as your son obviously is without the influence of his family."

Michelle blossomed before his eyes and James ramped up the camp at least two notches as he offered her a hand kiss, helped her to her feet and started raving about how thick her hair was as they headed off to the bathroom.

"He is a taxi-driving, hair-dressing, Oxford graduate photographer?" Eggsy asked uncertainly.

"With three younger sisters." Harry replied easily.

"Thanks bruv." Eggsy said sincerely.

"Help me set the scene, Eggsy." Harry replied to avoid stepping into dangerously emotional territory. "The place won't do like this at all."

Harry and Eggsy collected all the dirty dishes, used glasses and cigarette butts and moved it all to the kitchenette.

"Bring me some of your trophies Eggsy." Harry said and began clearing a side table of old newspapers and magazines.

Eggsy vanished into what was presumably his bedroom.

"You are awfully quiet, Merlin." Harry whispered.

"And you are a dreadful sap." Merlin replied with a sigh Harry knew was fake. "I am putting together a file of evidence about the dealings of Dean Baker."

"I love you." Harry whispered. "I am going to suck your brain out of your cock the next time we have a quiet moment together."

"Hold that thought." Merlin replied.

Eggsy returned with a cardboard box. It was full of medals and trophies thrown in hap-hazardly.

"That is no way to treat your achievements, Eggsy." Harry admonished automatically.

"More interested in the prize money weren't I?" Eggsy replied with a shrug. "And it ain't exactly a hobby Dean approves of."

"Hmm." Said Harry, hoping he was not going to meet the man before Merlin managed to get him to the proper authorities. He was not going to guarantee how he would react. "Get me a damp cloth and then go and change into something sporty that shows off your physique."

Harry wiped the side table and the coffee table and began arranging the trophies and medals. He took down the awful poster of a bulldog from behind the sofa and unwrapped Merlin's copy of Haystacks, Dusk.

"You did a beautiful job, Darling." He whispered. "Maybe you could convince me to let you do a Turner for the downstairs loo after all."

"Wait until you see the job Lancelot has done." Merlin replied.

Harry hung the painting carefully on the now empty nail. He hoped it (and the nasty, flimsy wall) would hold the weight long enough. The frame was quite heavy and looked completely out of place in the flat.

Eggsy returned from getting changed wearing a grey muscle top hoodie and what Harry assumed were his "pulling" jeans, judging by how tight they were. He'd styled his hair too.

"Very good." Harry said. "Put your sister in something clean for me, and then we will be almost ready."

Harry looked critically at the scene he was creating. He fluffed the cushions. It would have to do.

James came back with Michelle. He had transformed her with fresh make-up, a simple, elegant up-do, a top not covered in ash and the replacement of her terrible Ugg boots with something an actual grown-up might wear.

"You should wear your medal from today, Eggsy." Harry said.

Then he noticed Michelle staring at her living room.

"Are all these yours?" She asked her son.

Eggsy nodded, his face was a confusion of shyness at his achievements being acknowledged and his wonder at the transformation of his mother. Harry had the feeling they were seconds away from an emotional outbreak that would ruin James' hard work, both Unwins were looking distinctly wet about the eyes, so he quickly handed Michelle the baby and began directing the family to the sofa and positioning them. James set up his lights and looked equally relieved that disaster had been averted.

* * *

"You are going to send me copies o' them pics, aren't you bruv?" Eggsy asked when all the equipment had been packed away in the taxi. He still looked a trifle shell-shocked, but all three of them had managed to be ridiculous photogenic in front of Merlin's masterpiece, despite the terrible sofa Harry had not been able to disguise.

"Of course." James said and offered Eggsy a hand.

"Thanks for what you did for Mum, I know it had nothing to do with the plan." He said. "You'll be in touch, Harry?"

"Yes, soon."

"Alright. Laterz." He stuffed his hands in his jeans pockets and shuffled back up to his flat. No doubt to pack all his trophies away again before they got him into trouble.

James and Harry got into the taxi and released a simultaneous breath.

"I am seconds away for committing serious bodily harm." James said.

"Merlin is making a file." Harry replied, he knew he sounded coldly calm.

"I suppose that will do too. Lets go and shoot something." James suggested.

"Lets." Harry replied.

* * *

Harry resisted the urge to fidget while he waited, although he supposed it would be in keeping with his cover if he actually did. Fidgeting had been trained out of Harry at a very young age however. He had been made to sit still for hours at a time, often for no more reward than a single Rich Tea biscuit. His rather dysfunctional childhood had stood him in rather good stead for his eventual career as a spy in some respects. He was excellent at stake outs, for example.

Instead of fidgeting, he reached for a copy of Shahbandar's autobiography that was lying on the table in the reception area, flicked it open at a random page and started to read. He had laughed out loud the first time he read it, while he was preparing for the mission.

"That book should be shelved in the fiction section." Merlin whispered. "Even if you take into account the fact that, obviously, he had to leave the arms dealing out of it, it is nothing but an exercise in narcissism."

Harry tsked. He hadn't known Shahbandar at Eton or Oxford, they were too far apart in age, but the research he had done did suggest that Merlin had a point.

The office door opened and a nervous and sweaty individual escaped.

"Lawyer." Said Merlin. "Seems to just deal with the legitimate business as far as we can tell so far. Looks too easy to break for anything else as well."

"You can go in now Mr Deane." The secretary said.

"Yes. Thank you." Harry made a point of straightening his suit nervously before he went in.

* * *

Lionel Shahbandar ignored him. The man was the worst kind of gentleman. That is, one in name only.

"That's a very nice suit Sir." Harry said. It sounded oddball and slimy enough of a thing that his cover would burst out with it, if nervous. Which he always was with his boss. Also, it was a nice suit. Even if it was made by one of Kingsman's Savile Row competitors.

"A what?" Said Shahbandar, looking up from his work to give a Harry a look that clearly told him he was an utter idiot.

"You mean it is nice he is wearing one this time." Merlin chuckled.

Harry grimaced. He didn't want to think about that. That was more likely to be Eggsy's problem in the future.

"Nothing. That is, I was looking over the advance of the sporting magazine ..."

"Why on Earth where you doing that?" Shahbandar broke in.

"Well ..." Harry mumbled. "It is my favorite of our publications. Lots of pictures of athletic people. Doing sweaty, athletic things."

Shahbandar rolled his eyes, once again dismissing Harry as a sad, lonely loser.

"Not that I could do anything like that, of course." Harry continued. "I don't have much in the way of sporting genes, although my family had horses."

"Do you ride?" Shahbandar asked in clear disbelief. Harry knew Shahbandar considered himself an excellent horseman. Harry considered him mediocre with an excellent stable master and exceptional horses.

"Good God no! Oh I've ridden... What are those hairy Scottish horses called?"

"Ha ha. You are bloody _hilarious_ Galahad. But laying it on a bit thick don't you think?" Merlin muttered.

"Is there actually something I can help you with Deane?" Shahbandar asked, clearly coming to the end of his patience.

"Well yes sir there is, thank you." Harry said, pleased to be on track. "I saw something rather odd in one of the pictures in the Unwin gymnastics piece."

"Haystacks, Dusk." Shahbandar drawled. "Yes, I understand why _you_ would have been looking _particularly closely_ at that piece." Merlin had picked some very good stills from Harry's glasses feed for the article. Shahbandar gave Harry a disgusted leer. "A reproduction of course."

"Oh really? Based on what, Sir? If I may ask?"

"Based on the fact it is hanging on the wall of a _bloody council flat_."

"Well, yes. There is that. But I don't think I have ever seen a reproduction of it. And to see it there? Is it not worth doing a little research?"

"Fine. Ring the boy up and ask if he has an original Monet hanging in his shithole flat." Shahbandar said, clearly dismissing Harry and the matter from his office.

* * *

"That did not go as well as it could have done." Merlin commented as Harry made his way out of Neros with his coffee.

"That man is an _utter wanker._ And a nudist." Harry muttered into his cup, collar turned up against the nasty British weather.

"Why does that seem to have surprised you? It said that in your briefing." Merlin replied. "And you've been working with him long enough now."

"It doesn't surprise me, it offends me. And he doesn't know a thing about the Unwins. Ignorant bastard knows nothing about the art he covets. I'm going to have to write him a memo."

"Finally, a real chance to use your Art History degree. Why did you even do Art History? I don't think I've ever asked."

"The excuse to look at lots of what was basically gay porn without the disapproval of my family. I think they were hoping I would go and work at Christie's and give up the idea of the military."

"Of course." Merlin said dryly.

"You could have taken it as a compliment you know." Harry said, huddling under his umbrella. "Hung like a ..."

"Shetland pony?" Asked Merlin. " _Really Galahad?_ "

"I hate the fact that I am forced to work with a baboon who thinks me incapable of attracting anyone, when my gorgeous partner is, in fact, listening in."

"Your cover couldn't have pulled me." Merlin said simply. "I'll meet you at home and stroke your ego a bit for you."

"Just my ego?" Harry smiled.

"Depends on how you feel about getting paint on anything else." Merlin said. Harry heard the warmth in his voice and was glad of it, the downpour was truly disheartening after his meeting.

Missions at home had the advantage of being able to spend time physically with Merlin, but Harry liked regular doses of sunshine. As Merlin insisted on spending their holidays (when he could get Merlin to agree to a holiday at all) traipsing up and down (frequently wet) mountains, Harry always tried to be first in line for the missions in sunny destinations. Percival had only gotten Barbados this year because there was no way in hell he could convince anyone he was an expert on any kind of art, any more than Harry could ever manage to convincingly play an accountant. Alastair did a fantastic accountant when necessary (often actually, criminals need good bookkeepers as much as legitimate business people, if not more so). Interestingly, they both managed to be convincing as lawyers though.

xxxx

Harry was using his rather dull office hours under Shahbandar to catch up on the developments in the research into the Impressionists since he had finished his degree. It had not really been his area of expertise, being, as a movement, heavy on the landscapes. Harry's interest had focused more on classical sculpture. There were good reasons (and not just the weather either) why, after Latin and French from school, Harry had picked up Greek and Italian as his next languages. However, Shahbandar, the uncultured oaf, had hired him on the grounds that he knew about Impressionists (references faked from Kingsman families with appropriate collections), so Harry was catching up with quite an interesting catalog on Sisley when he got a note with his post.

"Ah. He read my memo." He said, relieved.

"Thank fuck for that." Merlin replied. "This was starting to drag."

"You are not the one who has to work for him."

"You haven't seen him for a week!"

"He is everywhere here, roaring away." Harry sighed. "Now I get to be fobbed off repeatedly by his secretary while I try and arrange a meeting with Eggsy. Joy."

"It shouldn't be too hard after he has actually met him." Merlin comforted him. "I could just hack his calendar and make the appointment. His secretary is ruffled enough from the close proximity that she would just assume she'd forgotten making it."

"Thank you, Darling. No. He has to feel he has the power here, it all has to be at his discretion. Unfortunately."

"If it takes him longer than a week to make time, I will organize something coincidental. There is a situation brewing in Macedonia that looks like something you should be looking more closely at and Percival has picked up on a couple of schemes as well. Mad, as the Barbados schemes always are, but he considers a couple of them viable."

"Alright, if you can think of anything coincidental that would bring those two together."

"If I have to, I will get Eggsy a job as a bloody waiter."

"Do you think you are up to teaching him silver service Darling?"

"No, but I know you are. He might even enjoy learning it from you. Perhaps you can teach him 'The Bunny Dip' while you are at it."

"Well, hopefully it won't come to that. Let me try it the old fashioned way first." Harry picked up the phone on his desk and dialed the number for his boss' office.

xxxx

It was hard to miss Eggsy in the foyer of the Shahbandar Building. He was dressed in very _loud_ street clothes, winged trainers and a cap.

"I thought I said 'dress nicely'." Harry said, flapping a bit nervously, playing his part. He lead Eggsy deeper into the building.

"Wot you sayin' bruv? I look good me. Got all me good gear on." Eggsy pulled at his horrendous bomber jacket.

"And none of it co-ordinates." Merlin chuckled. "At least the jeans are tight enough to get some attention."

"Anyway, you can't talk." Eggsy continued. "The fuck happened to your face? You been trying to pull young men behind your bloke's back again, or what?"

It was a fair question. Harry had an unfortunate black eye after he had been forced to go in and help extract Kay from a job gone unexpectedly tits up in Ireland the day before. He had had very little sleep and everyone's nerves were still a bit raw.

"Walked into a door." Harry replied without thought.

Merlin hissed over the glasses and suddenly Eggsy had grabbed a hold of Harry's shoulder and swung him up against the wall. Harry had to fight down all of his instincts not to knock him arse over tea kettle.

"Not funny Harry." The boy glared at him. " Me mam ..." He stopped and took a deep breath. "If he's knocking you about, _you need to get out_."

"Eggsy." Harry said, looking at the distressed young man currently wrinkling his suit. He put his hands gently on Eggsy's shoulders and squeezed softly. "I'm sorry Eggsy. I literally walked into a door after one too many last night. My level of alcohol consumption is not too terribly healthy at the moment, it helps me deal with working for this bastard. I promise you, my partner has never laid a hand on me in anger."

Eggsy looked closely at him, trying to read the truth in Harry's face.

"Alright." He said eventually. "But I've got an eye on you. If I notice any more suspicious injuries on you, your bloke will find himself having words with Ryan and a few of me mates from the estate."

"Thank you Eggsy, but I assure you that will not be necessary. He would be _horrified_ at the suggestion." Harry stroked his hands slowly down Eggsy's upper arms. "And there is of course nothing wrong with your clothes, but they are not the best choice if you want to be taken seriously in a business meeting. Clothes make the man after all. Let me do the talking in there, alright?"

"Alright." Eggsy agreed, somewhat pacified. He let Harry move away from the wall and continue to Shahbandar's office.

"That was quite sweet. Of both of you. He is very loyal, very quickly." Merlin commented. "Galahad, you know I ..."

"Good." Said Harry to both of them. "Let's put it behind us and move on."

* * *

Harry had a good view of Shahbandar checking Eggsy out. He was not subtle about it in any way. His first look dismissed Eggsy as a serious negotiating partner and his second sized him up as a potential bed partner. Just as predicted.

"Mr Unwin." Shahbandar offered Eggsy a wide smile and a firm handshake. "Delighted to meet you. Good grief Deane what happened to you?"

"I know you think us academics are all nerdy bookworms." Harry said. "But when we get to discussing whose brush technique is superior, well things can get a bit heated after a few pints."

Shahbandar rolled his eyes and waved Eggsy over to the sofa.

"If you don't want to admit to being beaten up for perving at someone you'd've had no chance with anyway, then just say so, my time is precious. So Mr Unwin, my pathetic bookworm has told me rather an intriguing story."

"You don't have to call me Mr Unwin, makes me feel like I'm in trouble. Only ever get 'Mr Unwined' when I'm in the shit for something." Eggsy said, looking uncertainly at Harry. "You can call me Gary."

"Then please do call me Lionel and let us hope that doing business on a first name basis leads to plain speaking."

"Plain speaking ain't never been a problem with me, got no brain to mouth filter at all. I want 12 million quid for me great-gramp's souvenir, and while you're at it, you can throw in one of those Chelsea tractors, with tinted windows and big ass wheel trims. Gonna take me sis to nursery in style."

Shahbandar gave a laugh that said even he did not know entirely what to make of this. Harry fought a smile.

"He should be on stage." Said Merlin.

"Well that's very plainly spoken Gary. What makes you think this painting is worth 12 million pounds?" Shahbandar asked.

"Well, it's oil. Ain't it Harry?" Eggsy was not sure if he needed help or not, Harry had said to let him do the talking so he gave him an in.

"Indeed and its provenance is promising. I should like to have it taken up to your country house Sir, to compare it with its mate, before rendering my final verdict."

"Is it ready for transport?"

"It can be made so." Harry said quickly, making himself sound eager to please.

"Well have it taken up to the house for Wednesday and we will look at it at the Gala. You've never been to the house have you Deane?"

"Perfect!" Said Merlin.

"Er no Sir, I've never had the honour ..."

"I have a party at the estate every year." Shahbandar interrupted.

"Well that sounds fancy." Eggsy said. "If these two are a set Lionel, and what with Monet being dead and so not available for requests, I think I've got you in the palm of my hand." He smiled up though his eyelashes.

"Tart!" Huffed Merlin in amusement.

"I don't think it is situation where one party has to submit to the other." Harry broke in.

"Nonsense. It is good to do business with a man who knows what he wants and states it clearly. Unfortunately, I have another appointment which means I must be deprived of your entertaining company Gary. However, I believe _this_ ," he gave Eggsy a long look that clearly involved the mental removal of clothes, "is worth pursuing. I have a business dinner this evening but perhaps you could be my companion and we could work on finding some common ground in our negotiations. It could get quite late and I wouldn't want to be responsible for you disturbing your sister. Deane see that Gary is booked into The Savoy and I will collect him at 8pm."

"And me, Sir?" Harry asked, letting a shade of hopefulness enter his voice.

"No of course not Deane! I am sure Gary and I can handle it."

"Of course Sir."

Shahbandar shook Eggsy's hand again

"To plain speaking Gary, I will see you at 8pm."

"It's a date Lionel." Eggsy said with a wink as they were hustled out of the office.

* * *

"Well, I get why you don't like him bruv. Bit harsh with you." Eggsy said when they were safely inside James' taxi and headed for The Savoy with something that may or may not have been bugged (of course it was) for Eggsy to wear on his 'date'.

"And a nudist." Harry added.

"That might not be such a bad thing." Eggsy said. "Dunno yet. He was hitting on me though, I didn't imagine that?"

"The man is 69 years old!" Harry exploded. " _He could be your great-grandfather!_ "

"If he were, he'd already have the painting and your whole scam would be pointless! I told you I like me men older, and you weren't interested, so you can't blame me for having me eyes open."

James snorted.

"You really don't want to hit on him Eggsy. His partner is the jealous type."

"Yeah, Harry gave me the committed speech already."

"You admit that he's a prat!" Harry said, exasperated.

"Don't mean I can't fuck him." Eggsy replied stubbornly.

Harry laughed.

"I assure you, you have your role in the encounter confused if you believe that is at all likely. Please try and keep it in your trousers regardless. We have a plan. Lead him on a bit if it makes you happy, but _do not complicate matters_. We all need to be able to disappear if something should go wrong."

"Maybe I wouldn't mind being seduced by a rich bloke." Eggsy pouted.

"But he is a wanker!"

"The money'd make up for it."

"Have some self-respect Eggsy!" Harry pleaded. "You can do better. With the 500,000 from our scam you can set yourself up and need not rely on anyone. Why would you put yourself in that position?"

Harry knew he had him there, he knew he was thinking about his mother.

"Just don't do anything rash this evening." Harry asked. "Get to know him a bit better, and, if you still think you can lie back and think of the money, then obviously I can't stop you."

"Alright." Eggsy agreed, taking his suit bag (off the peg from Burtons, because it had to look realistic. James wouldn't have used it to mop his floor and their tailor had been very distressed when asked to wire it up) and opening the door. "I'll let you know how it goes."

"Needs a firm hand that one." Said James, putting the taxi on the road to the Savile Row shop.

"Stubborn little shite." Muttered Harry.

"We forgot to factor in that he would do more or less anything for his family." Merlin added over the comms. "He has seen a way to dramatically improve their lot, more than half a million will in London, and he is trying to figure out whether he can pull it off."

"I did not intend to take a boy who hated the idea of selling himself and corrupt him with the idea of selling himself to one person _for a higher rate!_ " Said Harry, who was horrified by the turn of events.

"We will just have to count on Shahbandar being his usual bastard self and Eggsy thinking with his actual brain." Merlin replied. "Lancelot, get the Cobras in when you pick up the curry. It looks like it might be a long night."

* * *

Merlin had gotten them a visual in the restaurant using the security cameras. Harry had to admit, it was a nice place. But Shahbandar had said it was a business meeting, so really, it wasn't as if he had made the effort for Eggsy. He hoped Eggsy would realize that.

Three pairs of eyes scanned the screens as they waited for Eggsy and Shahbandar to become visible.

"I don't bloody believe it!" Harry thumped his bottle of beer down dangerously. "Martin fucking Seidenweber!"

"Is that going to be a problem?" Merlin asked, lining up his foil cartons of Indian food in the pattern he considered most efficient.

"That depends entirely on what the bearded, hamster-faced rat is doing there." Harry huffed, glaring at the man at the bar.

"Contemporary?" Asked James, using the distraction to tear off a chunk of Harry's peshwari naan. He knew better than to try it with Merlin's. He'd already had a warning glare for getting too close to the man's saag aloo.

"Exchange student for a semester."

"But you were using Deane at the time, which is why you are using it now, so that shouldn't be a problem." Merlin said reasonably.

" _That_ is not the problem." Said Harry. "Shahbandar is trying to go behind my back and get another option. Your work is very good Darling, but Seidenweber actually is a curator with years of experience."

"It could blow up the whole plan?" James managed to steal a spoonful of Harry's spicy carrot salad.

"Yes. He will have to be gently but firmly removed from the picture." Harry said. "By the way James, I want some of your biryani in exchange."

"Help yourself Harry." James smiled, passing the biryani and making a grab for the unprotected masala. He was pleased that at least some of his colleagues understood meals were supposed to be shared experiences, even if he did have to admit it looked unlikely that Merlin would ever learn. James thought it was probably because he was an only child. James was trying to convince Alastair that what their house really needed one of those rotating table addition thingys he had seen in a Chinese place he'd visited. It would save a lot of passing back and forth. Alastair pointed out that they rarely ever actually ate at the table. James claimed he would if it revolved. Alastair had yet to be convinced, mostly because the reason they had a Netflix account, and almost never ate at the table, was James.

"There they are." Merlin announced.

* * *

Shahbandar introduced Eggsy to an overly handsy German who Eggsy instantly disliked.

"What a story! Almost incredible!" He said, before they had even sat down.

"I thought it might be a good idea for you two to meet. Martin here is going to be examining your painting. He is going to curate my private collection." Shahbandar explained.

("Bollocks!" Harry swore loudly.)

"I thought that's what you got Harry for?" Eggsy asked, watching his half a million getting ready to disappear down the drain.

"For the moment. But he's a bit of an idiot, don't you think?" Shahbandar asked, in a manner inviting Eggsy to confide his true feelings.

("Wanker!" Harry exploded. "Nudist! _Satanist_!"

"That is unconfirmed." Said Merlin coolly.)

"No, no Shahbandar! Harry is a good man. Not much of an eye for art, or men as I remember, but a good man." Seidenweber still had a hold of Eggsy's hand and Eggsy wanted to shake him off and give him a good slap.

"Actually, Harry told me he's been in a relationship longer than I've been alive." Eggsy said. "So he can't be too bad."

"He's what?" Asked Shahbandar in clear disbelief.

"Have you ever actually met the gentleman concerned?" Seidenweber asked.

"No, why would I 'ave?" Eggsy asked. "It's not like I really know Harry, except from shootin' the breeze an' talking about the painting."

"Well, there is no reason to think he exists then." Seidenweber said with a wide grin.

("Hmm." Said Merlin. "I've never been anyone's imaginary partner before."

"Smug bastard! As if he never went home alone. _Ridiculous velvet flares_ he insisted on wearing."

"We really must talk about your stint at Oxford sometime Harry." Said James, using the distraction to dive for the saag aloo. Unfortunately, Merlin was not that distracted and James narrowly avoided being stabbed with a fork. James frowned, it was not his fault that Merlin always seemed to know what he wanted to eat better than James himself did.)

Seidenweber was explaining his credentials to Eggsy and having a bit of a moan about too much exposure to juicy Flemish ... balloons, which all went well over Eggsy's head. Then claimed to be the top expert on Monet.

(" _You most certainly are not_!" Harry huffed.)

"Your English is pretty good. I mean for someone descended from the wankers my great-gramps robbed the picture off in the first place." Eggsy said, clearly having had enough.

"I thought you did not mention _ze War_?" Seidenweber said uncomfortably. "Anyway, tell me this remarkable thing. This painting is hanging always in your house? Ever since you can remember? Even as a little Kinder?" Seidenweber asked Eggsy.

"Sure thing." Eggsy said without batting an eyelid.

* * *

"So. Harry is gettin' the heave ho?" Eggsy asked when he was alone with Shahbandar in his (extremely nice, Eggsy could get used to this) car on the way back to the hotel.

"Yes, as you say, the heave ho. Bit of a disappointment really. Something a bit desperate about the man. A little shifty, weak, not all that bright. Are you sure about the boyfriend?"

"'S what he said Lionel." Eggsy replied. "Maybe you just ain't looking right. Someone for everyone, so they say." Eggsy gave his best flirty smile, but his heart was not in it. Harry was right, no amount of money could make up for being such a disloyal wanker surely?

"Indeed." Shahbandar replied, but did not seem convinced.

* * *

Eggsy rang Harry the next morning. Harry was hung-over from the Cobra (and then the Scotch) and Eggsy was pissed off from the disappointment of realizing the scheme was not going to work. Not ideal conditions for the conversation. Merlin pulled a pillow over his head and hoped the one-sided shouting would end soon.

" _It ain't gonna work bruv!_ " Eggsy insisted. "He's got this German git called Sidewinder who knows what he's on about."

"Will you for once just trust me Eggsy?" Harry asked. "And do as you are bloody told? Too many people are too invested in this for it to fail because you've got cold feet."

"Don't tell me what to do! It ain't got naff all to do with my feet! Lionel's gonna throw you out on your arse, swear down, and no matter how marvelous you think your imaginary boyfriend is at painting, he is not going to fool the World's top Monet expert!"

" _My partner is not imaginary_!" Harry said hotly. "He is lying beside me now."

"Yeah? Right? Well put him on then, go on! I fuckin' dare you!"

"Right, I will!" Harry replied. "Darling? He would like a word."

" _What?_ " Growled Merlin, having dragged the mobile under the pillow.

"Fucking hell you're real!" Breathed Eggsy. "And unexpectedly Scottish."

"Yes." Merlin snarled. "Fucking genius. I am also exactly as good as Harry claims I am. At everything Harry claims I am good at. Something you should bare in mind before you make any more passes at my partner. So untwist your fucking knickers and stick to the fucking plan."

Merlin hung up and ejected the handset forcefully from the bed.

"Come here Harry." He said through the pillow. "You need a God damned love-bite."

"Only if I get to give you one too Rupert." Harry smiled.

"Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough." Was the grumpy reply.

"Your phrasing, Darling, is terribly ... open to interpretation." Harry pounced.

* * *

Harry arrived at his office late, still somewhat hung-over, with a yellowing black-eye, a very obvious love-bite and a plan for how to get rid of his professional competition that did not involve snipering him.

Although he had been _seriously_ tempted. The great Teutonic tit.

Harry rang him up and implied that he would soon be looking for a job as Shahbandar was starting to look financially rocky. It was always useful knowing where your competition's weak spots were. And this time he didn't even have to do any digging to get the information. Seidenweber had not changed at all since Oxford. except to go bald, Harry thought smugly.

Harry was feeling quite pleased with himself when he went to look for Eggsy at The Savoy to make sure he was going to continue to play his role.

His mood was decidedly less good after being told that Eggsy had left with Lord Shahbandar wearing evening wear.

Striking evening wear.

A gift.

Without any bugs.

Arse.

"Merlin. He's gone AWOL. With Shahbandar. It seems he has decided to keep all his options open. Find the naive little shit will you and get some eyes on him before he does something _unfortunate_. I am going to check his room."

* * *

"What a lovely vase." Harry's attention was caught by the object from down the hall. He moved casually to the table and tried to discretely examine the maker's marks.

"No Galahad. You are not there for souvenirs." Merlin muttered. "I am tracking Eggsy's phone. Stick to your job."

"But it is just gathering dust here."

"That's all it would do at home as well."

"Maybe if we had such a nice vase standing about, I would bring you flowers more often."

"It's _you_ that likes getting flowers, you sap. I like Tunnocks tea cakes."

"Hmm. Am I allowed to steal the vase if I bring tea cakes home with me as well?"

There was silence on the line, which Harry took for consent (plausible deniability), so made his way with the vase to Eggsy's room. Outside, he found a housekeeping trolley with the remains of a clearly expensive meal and a note from Shahbandar that had presumably been attached to the evening wear.

"Hot date." Harry snorted and then had to hide himself (and the vase) from the maid.

It was unfortunate he got himself locked in. As Harry Deane, Harry did not have his lockpicks with him.

"Oh for goodness sake!"

"Instant karma." Merlin chucked. "Eggsy is in a restaurant. Shahbandar's calendar says he is meeting some Japanese about a media deal. I'm working on their cameras. Oh, these are _our Japanese_ Galahad."

"The ones with the grudge?"

"Exactly."

"And what is Eggsy doing there?"

"It looks very much like Shahbandar is using him as very manga arm candy. You know, the whole powerful business man and young, attractive, clueless, 'just waiting for the right man to show him what real love is' waif. Eggsy's got the big eyes for it anyway." Merlin sounded vaguely disgusted. "It often ends up more than a little rapey."

"Am I leaving you alone too much Darling? It sounds like your porn collection has plumed some new depths." Harry asked, giving the window some serious consideration.

"It is not _my_ porn collection." Merlin said, offended. "Have you any idea how much porn I have to wade through to make sure we've gotten all the relevant information every single time one of you technological illiterates brings back a laptop? The one thing that porn and super secret evil plans always have in common is that they are not stored in folders with accurate names. Yours is 'hidden' under the vaguely religious sounding title of 'Manifestations of Gratitude'." Merlin stated.

Harry could hear the quotation marks and the raised eyebrow over the comms. He and Merlin really had been together an awfully long time and he was well aware that not only was his partner highly amused, he had also been waiting a long time for the right time to drop that bomb.

"Right, now that you have destroyed my dignity and any illusion I may have had of privacy in our relationship, I am going to climb out of the window." He said. "In the interests of fair play, do you feel like disclosing what yours is hidden under?"

"'Greatest Hits of the 80's'." Merlin replied without missing a beat."

Harry snorted.

"Darling, that is _terrible_."

"But accurate." Merlin replied. "Perhaps it could do with some updating, but I really do see enough at work."

"Be quiet now Love, I am about to go out and the ledge is quite thin."

"You could leave the vase behind." Harry did not miss the hint of hopefulness in Merlin's voice.

"It's not that thin, I've done this often enough before." Harry replied, maneuvering himself out onto the ledge. He was suddenly glad that it was a dry night. He hated clambering about outside buildings in the wet. Harry and the vase made their way slowly along the ledge until he came to a spiky metal divider, put there with the express intention of stopping people with nefarious purposes doing exactly what Harry was currently attempting to do.

With a sigh, Harry placed the vase safely on the other side of the divider and started to work his way over. Unfortunately, he was still a bit stiff from his energetic morning activities (Harry hated to think he was getting old, he was the first to admit he had a strong vein of narcissism) and his trousers snagged.

"Blast!" Harry muttered, carefully not looking down.

"Galahad?" Merlin asked.

"Nothing to worry about. Just a bit caught up."

He tried to untangle the material and, knowing that special scissors were required to cut the bullet-proof material, he was not as gentle as he could have been.

"Bugger me." He muttered as the trousers tore just below the knee, but remained stubbornly entangled.

Merlin was suspiciously quiet as Harry fought his way out of them. Not even breathing could be heard from the handler, which was how Harry knew he had muted the line.

"I am glad you find this amusing Love." He said angrily. "If I fall to my messy death with my trousers around my ankles, _I do so hope_ you will find that amusing too."

"I told you you should have left the vase." Was the unrepentant response.

Harry lost all patience and tugged. Too hard. His trousers went flying.

"Arse!" He hissed. He wanted to shout, but he also did not want to draw any attention to himself. Underclothed and in possession of a stolen vase on the side of a building, he was not really in the best state to be making a good first impression. His trousers landed, fairly well hidden luckily, on a bush.

"That is Shahbandar's car." Merlin said, suddenly all business again as a black limo pulled up to the hotel.

* * *

Eggsy was feeling a bit tipsy by the time they got back to the hotel. Lionel had been honest enough to admit that it was deliberate, he was not sure how he felt about that. Usually Eggsy could hold his drink. Usually he wasn't drinking champagne on top of sake though. It was a weird kind of drunk. Not like tequila, but still weird. As he was a bit drunk and not sure, he was going to do the sensible thing and send Lionel home.

"So, that was fun." He said looking up at Lionel with his cheekiest grin. "We should do it again sometime, yeah?"

Eggsy had not reckoned with Lionel.

"That sounds like the past tense." He said, taking a firm grip on the younger man and kissing him forcefully. He wasn't bad, but Eggsy couldn't get Harry's warnings out of his head. He kept his eyes open, something he never did when he was relaxed with a partner. His eyes rolled-up and suddenly there was Harry. On a ledge. Without any trousers.

"That seems to have had the desired effect." Lionel purred and moved in to take Eggsy's astonished open mouth again.

Shit! Thought Eggsy, carefully keeping his eyes on Harry, who for some reason was pointing repeatedly at a potted bush. He looked rather like he had been interrupted in the middle of a tryst by the unexpected return of the wife ... But what were the odds of Harry 'I'm in a committed relationship' Deane being caught at it in Eggsy's hotel? Nope, not likely. What the fuck was going on?

"Lionel, mate, I dunn think this is the place ... " Eggsy began.

"Nonsense Gary. This is exactly what hotels were made for."

Lionel grabbed his hand and dragged him away from the gesticulating mad man on the ledge.

* * *

"Well so much for loyalty." Harry muttered. "Snogging around while I am stuck here, with no trousers, trying to keep the plan on track."

"Looked more like a distraction to me." Merlin replied. "Keeping your boss' attention diverted. Perhaps now you should get off the damned ledge. And do hurry the fuck up, Galahad. I don't think Eggsy really wants to be involved in anything _manga-like_ this evening."

"This is absurd!" Harry complained, taking the first darkened window available and having to freeze almost instantly at a knock at the door.

"Not your night." Merlin whispered.

A woman in a dressing gown emerged from the bedroom and opened the door, paying no attention to Harry as she passed. She had a brief conversation with one of the hotel's concierges about tickets, while Harry flicked through a magazine as if he belonged there and the obviously well-trained individual at the door discretely did not say anything about Harry's state of undress despite mention of an absent husband.

Harry snuck out of the suite as soon as she returned to the bedroom.

He ran straight into a young couple obviously just heading out for the night.

"Just getting some ice." He explained with a smile and ignored their slightly shocked expressions.

"Really it is a good thing you weren't wearing your ankle holster today." Merlin commented. "No, not the lifts Harry, someone is coming up. The emergency exit, on your left."

Harry hid himself inside the door to the staircase and waited for the lift to open.

Shahbandar and Eggsy stepped out onto the corridor.

"Thanks for seeing me up Lionel, them pricks on the desk gimme the stink eye every time I go by on me own. Reckon they know I dunn really belong in their nice clean hotel. Dirtyin' the place up or somethin'. I'm about done in though, time to hit the sack."

Which is when Eggsy noticed Harry, still without trousers, shaking his head empathetically at him from down the corridor.

"Rubbish. Let's have a nightcap." Lionel said, leaning casually up against the door to the suite _he was paying for_.

 _Oh crap on a stick_.

"Which is code for a little more conversation and then ... Who knows."

Eggsy watched Harry's, now once again violent but unfortunately incomprehensible, gestures and stuttered.

"I'm making you uncomfortable." Lionel said. "Maybe another time."

("A gentleman after all." Merlin observed.)

Eggsy tried again to interpret the gestures.

"Na mate you're good." He said, grabbing Lionel's hand. "Let's take this inside. After yous." He practically pushed him into the room and then glared at Harry down the hall. "The fuck are you doin' here bruv?" He hissed. "And where's your slacks?"

"In the bush downstairs. What the hell are you doing with The Wanker in your room?"

"What's it go to do with you? I know you're taken, I've spoken to your bad tempered Scot. Clearly not a bundle of sunshine in the mornin'. So if you are allowed to get some, and nice love-bite by the way, _very subtle_ , I don't see why you are jealous when it looks like I might!"

" _Jealous!_ " Harry stuttered. "He is a terrible person. _And a nudist_."

"You are the one who is not wearing the socially accepted amount of clothes. He looks well fit, has a rather nice suit on actually."

"So did I before I had to climb out of a window."

Shahbandar had found the minibar in the mean time and they heard the pop of a champagne bottle.

"Are you coming out Gary?" He called. "Or should I come in?"

"Just a mo, just freshening up a bit!" Eggsy called back.

Harry pulled his wallet out of his jacket pocket and pulled a condom out.

"If you can't be sensible." Harry said offering the condom to Eggsy whilst giving his arm a squeeze and, quite coincidentally, planting a bug on his sleeve. "Then at least be safe."

Eggsy took the foil packet wordlessly.

"Right, I'm off." Said Harry and began climbing out of the window.

" _Harry! What the fuck?!_ "

"It's alright, I've practiced." Harry said.

"You're still practically bare-arsed bruv."

"I get that from my bad-tempered Scot." Harry quipped, and true to his word, made his way back to the bloody ledge.

He clambered back into the same darkened room as before and realized he had left the vase there on his last visit.

"Aha!" He said, pleased something had finally gone right, just as a knock come at the door.

"Did you walk under a ladder today?" Merlin asked.

The same woman emerged from the bedroom, had another conversation with the discrete concierge, who unfortunately noticed the vase sat on the table at which Harry was also sat, apparently reading his magazine. Harry brazened his way out of the room by claiming to have mistaken the number. Fortunately, the woman was not awake enough to question how he had gotten in, or the absence of trousers. Harry also brazened his way out of the building and collected his trousers on the way passed the bush.

He was very upset about the vase. But less concerned about Eggsy now they had a bug on him again, and he could be rescued if necessary.

"I still want my tea cakes." Merlin said.

* * *

Harry was waiting for Eggsy on a bench in front of the hotel when he strolled out the next morning.

"Good morning." He said civilly.

"Is you spyin' on me now or what bruv?" Eggsy asked and flung himself down next to Harry in a sprawl of limbs, once again reminding Harry of a puppy, one that did not yet have full control of all of its appendages at any given time.

"No, not at all. It's just that last I checked, seducing Shahbandar _was not part of our plan_."

"Spontaneity is the spice of life. Spontaneous bloke me." Eggsy replied with a pout.

"It's variety actually. Variety is the spice of life." Harry corrected.

"Whatever Harry. You gotta face facts, it ain't gonna fly."

"You're wrong." Harry stated firmly.

"You's no Lionel, Harry. And blokes like us don't ever pull off the heists. But perhaps we get the guys instead?" Eggsy smiled.

"Look, I can see why certain unforeseen problems may cause you to doubt the plan, but consider that you did agree and that while I still believe we have a chance, you still have the obligation to try your best. Also, I feel personally wounded that despite warnings, you have _fraternized_ with someone who does not deserve your respect and is a cynical manipulator of people less powerful than himself. And a nudist. And possibly a Satanist. Consider what it says about you if you are seriously considering taking up with someone like that."

"As opposed to a scammer, his forger boyfriend and their jack-o'-all-trades mate?"

" _Partner_. Rupert is my partner." Harry ground out. "Twenty-five years deserves some respect. Plenty of marriages don't make it that long."

"You thinking o' making it official then?" Eggsy asked.

"That is not the point we are discussing right now Eggsy."

Eggsy bounced his leg in a clearly nervous manner.

"Alright Harry." He said eventually. "I reckon we ain't got a snowball's, but whatever. He weren't that great and I do get the slimy vibe from him. I'll play along at the party if that's what you want."

"Yes, yes Eggsy. Thank you, that is exactly what I want and all I ask. And I am sure that after tonight you will have reason to admire the skills of a reborn, reinvigorated and surprisingly capable Harry Deane."

"If you say so bruv." Eggsy nodded as Harry took his leave.

* * *

"What precisely did you mean by that Galahad? This evening is not a night for showing off any of your 'skills'." Merlin was already picturing nightmare scenarios involving the Shahbandar estate being unexpectedly blown up whilst packed with half of Britain's upper class. "It is supposed to be a quiet night."

"That is the part of the conversation that interests you? Not the marriage part?"

"You know I am a heathen, Galahad. I don't need a ring."

"Hence why I have never offered you one." Harry replied, making his way swiftly to his office inside the Shahbandar building.

"Hmm." Said Merlin.

Harry recognized the sound of deep thought from his partner, but he didn't have time to reflect on it. He had his last day at work to get through.

"They didn't get passed third base." Merlin said. "Eggsy chucked him out saying he'd been raised never to put out before the third date."

Harry smiled.

Good lad.

* * *

Not that there had ever been any doubt, but this was the _swankiest_ gathering Eggsy had ever seen. Even swankier than the red carpet premiers that he sometimes had a gander at on Leichester Square. There were fucking boats on the pond.

And he wasn't even gatecrashing! _His name was down_ , he was on the fucking list!

Not only that, but Lionel had had him picked up in the limo again and sent him a new suit so he even looked like he fitted in.

Personally Eggsy felt a bit guilty about that. Firstly, he reckoned all he needed was a new shirt, the suit from yesterday would have done surely? He hadn't covered it in anything at dinner. And secondly because he didn't intend on letting Lionel get his money's worth. The guy was so used to getting everything he wanted and Harry was right, he did treat just about everyone as if they were his personal slave, which did not paint a good picture for Eggsy's future with him. Dean hadn't been a total dick when he first started going out with Eggsy's mum either. Eggsy did not trust the vibes.

Most of the people milling about were masked, some better than others it had to be said, so Eggsy grabbed one off a heap and put it on too.

Disguised, he had to fight down the unbelievably strong urge to jack one of the lovely motors just spread out in front of him. So much choice! Taking the boy out of the estate, did not take the estate out of the boy it seemed.

Instead, he concentrated on the fact that Harry thought they could still pull this off and therefore he might still get his half a mill, and went looking for one of only two people at this party he had any hope of knowing.

* * *

"This the painting?" One of Shahbandar's staff asked when Harry and James arrived at the house with a large crate.

"Yes, and my easel so I can take a look at the thing. Put them both up in the gallery, if you would be so kind." Harry replied, handing over a case.

"No sign of Seidenweber on the guestlist." Merlin confirmed for both of them. "Nimue is taking you over now Lancelot."

"Marvelous!" James enthused. " _Madam!_ "

Harry did not hear whatever the handler replied to James, but he knew they got on very well. They shared a love of Gilbert and Sullivan that they often indulged when Alastair was out of the country.

"You should head off James, no need for both of us to be at risk of exposure." Harry smiled.

"You know where to find me." James replied. "Good luck old thing."

"I've got the easy part, luck to you too." Harry replied with a nod and swept off.

* * *

Shahbandar, with a golden lion mask of course, found Eggsy first.

"I am so glad you could make it." He rumbled. "And that you decided to consummate our business. Perhaps I can convince you in our other little affair later."

"You can take your best shot Lionel." Eggsy grinned and was rescued by the weird Japanese delegation from the night before approaching to thank their host for the invitation, which had been Eggsy's fucking brilliant idea by the way.

"I see you found the bar." Lionel grimaced.

"An' if you're feeling peckish, Lionel put on this massive spread over there. Honestly, he thought of everything except the Doritos." Eggsy chimed in.

God his mouth when he was nervous! Got him into all kinds o' shit. And where the fuck was Harry? Oh there. And didn't he look delicious in his tux and simple black half mask? Certainly more appetizing than some of the buffet. Eggsy didn't care how posh it was, caviar was just rank.

Eggsy found himself simultaneously glad of his suit jacket and cursing possessive Scots when Harry brushed up against him.

New bugs please ... Harry thought in his best Wimbledon umpire's voice. He wished Eggsy's wardrobe was more under their control.

"Lovely mask Gary." He said, just managing not to smile at the peacock mask with an explosion of feathers sticking up from Eggsy's head.

"Hi Harry." Eggsy said shyly.

"Oh. Deane." Lionel acknowledged, barely on the right side of polite and then did a double-take when he noticed Harry's love-bite, left intentionally uncamoflaged for the evening despite that being socially rather _gauche_.

Definitely no Eggsy action for you, Eggsy thought to himself and began to sabotage any hopes of Lionel wanting him after that evening.

"You know, Lionel, them Japs prob'ly think you's a bit strange too. What with you bein' a nudist 'n' all."

"Excuse me. A what?" Lionel stuttered.

"There's that loyalty you were looking for." Merlin praised.

"Well there's nothing wrong with that, is there Sir?" Harry jumped in, prepared to do some sabotaging of his own.

"Hell no." Said Eggsy. "It's real good to let everything hang out now 'n' again."

Lionel looked at them both as if they had lost the few braincells they collectively possessed.

"Deane, we really need to have a private talk, there is something I need to discuss ..."

Eggsy cut him off by drawing the attention of the Japanese, now with full plates, back to Lionel.

"I really would rather not have to talk to them, can't we just do business?" Lionel complained, temporarily distracted.

"Oh I can take care o' this lot, no prob's." Eggsy volunteered.

"And I shall just pop up and examine the painting." Harry said and quickly vanished.

"You guys ever hear of live karaoke?" Eggsy asked and began to commandeer the band.

The head of the delegation did a surprisingly good version of 'Ain't that a kick in the head'. Even Lionel was grudgingly impressed.

* * *

Harry dismissed the staff hovering in the gallery and once again admired Merlin's version of Haystacks, Dust. It was even more impressive in the presence of its sibling.

"Merlin." He said, surprised. " _Where the fuck is the security?_ "

"I don't know. I'm not picking up anything except a hidden door. Perhaps to a vault. We thought his security was just really good ..."

"Whereas actually, he just has such a _colossal ego_ he can't image anyone would ever get in here." Harry muttered. "Wanker. And did you notice how he completely failed to deny he was a nudist?"

"You should have asked about the Satanism, then we'd know for sure." Merlin replied. "Don't get sloppy Galahad, we could be missing something." Then he laughed. "You are definitely missing something! Eggsy is singing 'Tubthumping' with the support of a swing band."

"You are of course recording it?" Harry asked. "Good grief is he even old enough to remember it?"

"Not and have any idea what it's about." Merlin answered as Harry took Haystacks, Dawn off the wall. "Galahad, that door I told you about has opened."

"I'll have a look in a second, just let me finish the swap."

* * *

"Well done Gary!" Lionel grinned. "Assuming I close the media deal, I hope we can close our deal as well. Is the painting here yet?"

"Harry told you's he was goin' up to give it a once over." Eggsy replied.

"No, he can't be up there. My security is on." Lionel said to the slightly sweaty and out of breath Eggsy. "It's quite an ingenious system. I dreamt it up myself."

Eggsy did not like the sound of that. He was right not to.

"Give me a sec to get a drink yeah?" He asked and hightailed it off.

* * *

"Galahad. The door has released a fucking lion!"

"A what?"

"Lion. Shahbandar has just told Eggsy."

"Maybe he was joking?" Harry said.

"He is an egomaniac peer of the realm leading a double life as a weapons dealer, of course he is not bloody joking. The only question is why he is not in Barbados with the rest of the numpties."

"Shit." Harry unholstered his gun.

"You are _not shooting an endangered species Galahad!_ " Merlin admonished.

"Well I am not bloody _wrestling_ with it either." Harry said, but put his gun away. "How many tranq darts from the watch would I need to get in it?"

"Three, but I would go for four."

"Damn right." Harry said, closing the false lining of the easel case with the stolen Haystacks, Dawn carefully and safely stowed. "Oh. There it is." He said, hearing the click of claws on the floor.

"Shit! Harry!" Eggsy yelled bursting into the gallery. "Just stay still and stay calm. _I've totally got this!_ "

"He's what?" Said Merlin as Eggsy pulled down a curtain cord and started cracking it like a whip.

"Where'd he come from?" Eggsy asked, driving the lion back.

"There is a hidden door around the corner." Harry replied, not having to act too hard to seem really rather shaken, although really he was more astonished.

"A'right." Eggsy drove the lion back to where it came from and Merlin remotely locked it back in.

"Eggsy, your timing is _impeccable_. Where did you learn to do that?"

Eggsy stuck his hands in his trouser pockets, ruining all the lines of the suit, and looked bashful.

"Praise kink, Galahad." Merlin reminded. "Not too thick, please."

"Won tickets to the circus once." Eggsy said. "Were into gymnastics then too, and they had some pretty impressive folk. Home was a bit shit. So I ran away for a while. They only let me stay as long as they were actually in London. No actual running away with them, but I learned a fair amount in ten days. Not just gymnastics. Hit it off quite well with the lion tamer. She never let me in with the lions, but I watched _real_ carefully. Not sumthin' you wanna fuck up if you ever gonna use it."

"How did you know that one would react the same way hers did?" Harry asked curiously.

"Harry, you do not let 190kg of animal that can tear you to shreds wander about without fucking training it. You'd have to be well mental. A bit like me mam when I got home from me circus holiday. She nearly tore me to shreds an' all."

"Well, it was very brave of you. Thank you." Harry smiled.

"No prob's Harry, be a shame to get blood on that sick tux. You gonna wear it for the wedding?"

"If I were getting married at all Eggsy, it would of course either be in dress uniform, or morning dress."

"The uniform Harry!" Said Eggsy definitely, before his forehead wrinkled. "Why do you got a uniform?"

"TA, while I studied." Harry lied.

"That child is having impure thoughts about you again, I can hear them from here." Merlin muttered. "I thought we'd gotten passed that. Show him your love-bite, I don't care if he has just saved your arse."

"We should bring this to a close." Harry said, cocking his head at Eggsy, which did expose his love-bite more obviously. "Do you think you can get Shahbandar up here?"

"Sure thing Harry." Eggsy replied and trotted obediently off back down to the party.

* * *

"Dean Baker has just been picked up by the police and is being taken to Scotland Yard. Eggsy will be home in time to comfort his mother and take over the reins of the family with his new financial stability." Merlin updated him over the comms as Harry wandered around the collection, taking a good look at some truly lovely things. He couldn't transport them all unfortunately and they would certainly be missed if he tried.

"Lovely." Harry was feeling quite satisfied. "How is Lancelot doing?"

"No reports of lions so far."

"Of course not, that would be repetitive. Tell him to watch out for shark tanks though."

"I'll get Nimue to pass the possibility along. Eggsy is about to get back, Shahbandar is fit to blow a gasket. This is going to be unpleasant."

"As expected." Harry acknowledged. " _Wanker_."

"Good God Deane you _utter cretin!_ What do you think you are doing? So completely typical of you, bumbling about, creating havoc. Gary could have been harmed because of you." Shahbandar had obviously worked up a good head of steam on the way up. Eggsy looked very uncomfortable at his side.

"I'm sorry Sir, but it is my job to ensure the integrity of the collection and ..."

"Not any more it isn't Deane. I didn't mean to bring it up like this, but clearly it can't be left any longer. I've a new man. It was a bloody chore hiring him. Had to pay him two years salary in advance."

"Seidenweber?" Harry asked, concerned.

"Seidenweber." Shahbandar confirmed.

"Have some faith." Merlin whispered.

A door to the side of the gallery opened and Seidenweber marched across the black and white tiles and produced a magnifying glass from his waistband.

"Keeps it there in case he needs it to find his dick?" Merlin asked. Harry was forced to look away from the group and bite his cheek rather hard.

"Pleased to inspect." Seidenweber said, and clicked his heels together in the Germanic fashion.

"Good thing he hasn't stolen your shoes as well as your job." Merlin drawled.

"I hardly think you are the right person ..." Harry began.

"Stand down Deane!" Shahbandar ordered.

Eggsy looked nervous, so Harry went and stood next to him while Seidenweber made his examination. He proceeded to fill the room with hot air and Harry very carefully did not roll his eyes. He'd had training, but it was less effective than the anti-fidgeting training.

"The painting is in order." Seidenweber announced, surprising Harry. "Beautiful, isn't it?"

" _Told you._ " Merlin said smugly.

"Well, good." Shahbandar smiled at Eggsy.

"Bollocks." Said Harry and picked up the props he had prepared for this moment earlier. Of course, suddenly having the chance to discredit Seidenweber, as well as dissolve any entanglement between Eggsy and Shahbandar, made the moment that much sweeter to Harry. "Anyone with an eye," he said, looking challengingly at Seidenweber, who did roll his eyes - but he lacked Harry's special training, "can see something is not quite right here."

He dived at the painting, much faster than any of the panicked people present had a hope of catching him, and rubbed away the top layer of paint. Just in the right place to reveal a mouth.

Indrawn breaths of disbelief echoed all around.

Harry, because he had never been able to resist showing off, held a masterclass on Monet that would have got him through the viva for a PhD, and gave the others present a moment to gather themselves.

"Fake." Harry said, sounding the letters out carefully.

"Martin," Shahbandar said coldly, "I am disappointed."

"How do you think I feel?" Asked the unhappy German. "I just threw up in my mouth a little bit."

"As for you, you are either very clever. Or not clever enough." Shahbandar said to Eggsy. "Either way, it is clear you are of no further use to me."

"Speakin' o' clever," Eggsy fired back. " _What precisely the fuck did you expect mate?_ It was hangin' in a council flat in a shitheap estate! An' I weren't ever gonna be o' ' _use_ ' to you."

"Well, never mind. No harm done, just a bit of a waste of time." Shahbandar attempted to save-face. "Deane, apparently you are not quite as completely clueless as it previously seemed. You will continue in the job. Now if you'll excuse me, I have guests and real business to attend to."

"I think not Sir." Harry said.

"What?" Shahbandar demanded.

"I can no longer in good conscience render my services to a man who has repeatedly proven himself to be an oaf and a bully. So I will just gather my kit, and bid you farewell. Come along, Gary, let me see you out."

Harry picked up his easel case, put a gentle hand on the small of Eggsy's back and walked purposefully away from Lionel Shahbandar with a spring in his step indicating a job well done.

* * *

"Evening James." Harry greeted, pleased to see James was still dressed in the same suit as earlier that evening and did not appear to be injured or wet (which probably ruled out shark encounters), when Harry and Eggsy arrived at the area being used as a carpark and found the taxi. "Did you have a pleasant evening?"

"Lovely. And enlightening. Chauffeurs are the worst gossips you know Eggsy, never employ one if you want your secrets to remain safe."

"Dun't think I gotta worry about that, _like ever_ , bruv." Eggsy replied clambering tiredly into the backseat.

"Alastair is going to have your head when you get in." Harry said casually. "You know how long it took him to quit and you smell like an ashtray."

"You as well?" Eggsy asked. "Why am I the only one not going home to someone?"

"Couldn't be helped. Smoking is another thing chauffeurs are well known for." James replied. "Eggsy, you still have more than enough time to find someone special rather than just someone."

"I wish you had let him buy it Harry." Eggsy groused. "Serve him right."

"I know Eggsy, but I couldn't help myself. Completely ungentlemanly of me, but I needed to rub both their noses in it when it came to it. No need for you to worry though. You did your part, so you'll get your wages."

"What? Harry, you didn't sell it! How you gonna pay me?"

"I don't know where you got the impression that this was ever about the money, Eggsy." Harry said. "That man deserved to be taught a lesson. And he has been, although it cost him rather less than I had expected it to."

Harry pulled out his wallet and removed a few things, which he held up to Eggsy in order.

"This is the account card to your new Swiss account. A gentleman should never enter into an agreement that he cannot, or does not intend to keep. There is the equivalent of half a million in that account. This is the business card of a lovely financial advisor who will help you decide what to do with your money. And this is the card of a very nasty lawyer, should you ever find yourself in need of taking someone to court with extreme prejudice. Say for example, if you needed to ensure that legal guardianship of a relative was withdrawn from someone entirely unsuitable. And this is your stop." Harry said with a smile, handing Eggsy the three cards and opening the door.

"Harry ..." Eggsy said, and choked on the sudden tears that were somehow affecting his throat.

"Come now Eggsy." Harry said. "No need to fuss." He passed his handkerchief and waited while Eggsy dried his eyes.

"I ain't never met a curator before Harry, but I ain't convinced you is one. And you, James bruv, it ain't so much a question o' what you are, as what you ain't. Am I ever gonna see either of you again?"

"You have half a million, two excellent outfits and one awful one, and the numbers of two useful contacts." Harry replied. "You would be safest assuming that we are watching to see what you make of yourself with the resources at your disposal. Understood?"

"Yes ... Sir?" Eggsy said with an uncertain look.

Harry smiled wolfishly.

"Well off you go then. Your mother needs you."

Eggsy got out of the taxi, took the heavy suitbag (no doubt containing everything he had left at The Savoy because Harry and James were clearly efficient like that) and straightened himself up before walking towards his flat, forcing himself not to look back.

* * *

"That was unsanctioned Galahad." Merlin said firmly.

"I know." Harry sighed. "But just _imagine_ Arthur's face."

"He'll be fine now Harry." James assured his friend as they watched a much changed young man make his way up the concrete steps to his flat.

"You'll need to floor it Lancelot, the Japanese are already waiting patiently at security." Merlin ordered.

"Galahad hates when I'm allowed to drive like that." Lancelot smiled, ramming the taxi into reverse and turning in what should have been an impossible maneuver.

"Galahad shouldn't have been such a noble sap then. He was well aware of the tight schedule."

"Fuck off Darling." Harry replied, grabbing on to the handles in the back of the cab as James flew off in the direction of the airport.

"How did your end go?" James asked, with the annoying conversationality of taxi drivers everywhere.

"Security was a little tougher than expected, as I am sure you heard. The switch was simple enough, but it wasn't enough to simply destroy Dusk to untangle Eggsy, I had to unfairly critique Merlin's technique because Seidenweber unexpectedly appeared. It was an exceptional painting and would have fooled nearly anyone, but then Seidenweber is not the World's top Monet expert."

"You claiming the title?" Asked James, taking a corner at a speed that was practically suicidal in London.

"I might. One day. When I retire. What about you?"

"Oh Shahbandar and his security were so busy with the party, and your little diversion with Eggsy and the painting, that my end was almost boring. If it hadn't been for the shark tank."

"Really?" Asked Harry.

"No." Smiled James in the rearview mirror, undertaking a slow moving lorry that was trying to park. "I got all the info on his supply chain though."

"Lancelot, please get us there in one piece. Or allow me to drive."

"With the greatest respect for your many talents Galahad, if I let you drive, we will be there in time for tea tomorrow." James replied and put the radio on.

Harry ground his teeth.

* * *

Haystacks, Dawn was handed over, in the easel case, at London City Airport, to the Japanese delegation who had officially been in the UK negotiating a deal with Shahbandar, and, more importantly, their decidedly shadowy boss.

The details of what was received in return were classified under the Official Secrets Act on the orders of an unnamed government official (as soon as he found out about it, which was not as soon as he would have liked thanks to Kingman's blasted independence), as well as rated top-secret under Kingsman's own security protocols.

* * *

James returned home and was, for once, extremely pleased that Alastair had been called away at short notice, as it gave him time to shower and send his suit to the cleaner, thus preserving what he considered to be their domestic bliss.

* * *

Harry returned home to find a familiar vase, full of flowers that ranged across the full spectrum of colours included in Haystacks, Dust sat innocently on the dining room table. Along with an open ring box and a suspicious absence of Rupert.

But also an empty box of Tunnocks tea cakes, so the likely explanation was that he had gone for a run. Harry was too busy being happy to be overly worried anyway.

* * *

Lord Lionel Shahbandar was arrested three months later, and sent to The Hague. At the time the raid took place, Shahbandar had been naked and suspiciously covered in symbols which turned out to have been drawn using chicken blood.

This may not have been a coincidence.

Arthur challenged Galahad on the necessity of so shaming one of their own, even one that was clearly rotten. Galahad defended himself saying the timing had depended on making sure all of the chain went down at once so no one known could take over the gap in the market. Arthur could not disprove this argument.

* * *

"To Gareth!" Arthur led the toast.

"Gareth!" The assembly replied, and drank their Napoleonic brandy.

"Each of you will propose a candidate and have them at the estate by 0900 on Friday." Arthur ordered. "Dismissed."

Galahad hurried from the room, Merlin hot on his heels.

"I don't like the look of determination on your face Harry." He said. He had a horrible feeling he knew what was coming.

"Really Rupert, you know he has come on leaps and bounds. He's finished basic training at the top of his class. Imagine how much more he could do here. His weapon scores, for example, are fantastic, but Alastair can stretch him further than anyone currently in active service."

"You could give him a few years to make his own way before you pull him back into your protective orbit." The Scot argued.

"You know he is looking for us." Harry said. "You've seen the research he is doing."

"Yes, and it is not good enough yet." Rupert replied stubbornly.

"He hardly has a chance now does he? That is rather the point of you." Harry was just as stubborn. "If I don't do it, James will. You know Alastair has forbidden bringing in his niece without his express permission, and Alastair is never going to give his permission."

"But it's _Gareth_!" Rupert protested.

"Oh come on! You didn't like the last one either and it hasn't been your title for over 18 years!" Harry glared, until he saw how genuinely affected his husband was. "I am sure he is over his little crush now Darling." Harry said, wrapping his arms tightly around Rupert, who was stiff as a statue and clearly not planning on moving. "He certainly isn't pining from the amount of people he has gone home with."

"Have you noticed what those people look like Harry?"

"He was always honest about having a type." Harry replied.

"And you are still it."

"And I am _married_. To you, you stubborn bastard." Harry sighed. "I am bringing him in Love. You know he deserves this chance. You know he would be a good addition to the team. He will be under your observation the entire time. If you want me to go on the domestic rota for the duration and spend my time draped over you like some kind of swooning maiden, I will endeavor to do so. If you would rather I vanished quietly abroad after handing him over to your tender care, then that is fine too. Possibly even the better option as there is less chance of him being distracted."

Rupert shook his head.

"He has a praise kink and a fixation on you. If you want him to do well, you have to tell him he is doing well."

"The praise doesn't have to come from me." Harry said. "I know you are fair with all the candidates you train. Maybe he'll develop a new type."

" _Fuck no!_ " Rupert spluttered.

* * *

Harry sat in The Black Prince. He had a pint of Guinness and a pint of Carlsberg sat in front of him. He had a good view of the door and Eggsy's two friends stood at the bar. He was also aware of being very visible from the entrance and, once again, very obviously overdressed for the locale.

"No punching today, I hope." Harry muttered.

"You abandoned him for two years Galahad." Merlin replied. "I think you should be at least prepared for a beer-shower. I'd keep the umbrella at the ready. And three, two, one."

Eggsy pushed open the door, his eyes going straight to the bar where he was obviously expecting his friends. A warm smile spread across his face. The pictures did not do him justice. He had filled out well whilst keeping the gymnast shape and although he was dressed casually, he carried himself according to his training.

"Put your tongue away Galahad, you will get drool in your tar." Merlin grumbled.

"Hair's too short." Harry replied with a cough, calculated to be loud enough to draw attention.

Eggsy did a double-take, scowled and marched over to his friends at the bar.

"Bollocks." Muttered Harry. "Punches after all."

Eggsy exchanged quick, friendly greetings before straightening himself to his full height and making his way to Harry's table. Where all his training vanished and he dropped, sprawled into a seat.

"Well, evenin'." He said.

"Evening Eggsy." Harry smiled.

"Long time no see." Eggsy sniped.

"I've been quite busy." Harry replied. "So have you."

"Might've liked some advice."

"Nonsense, you've done splendidly on your own. Which was the point." Harry answered, and sipped his Guinness calmly. "I have a proposal for you, Mr Unwin."

"Na Harry, none of that bollocks bruv. All or nothin' this time."

"All or nothing, as you say." Harry nodded. "I am here to escort you to a job interview."

"Ain't dressed for it, I can change though. Still got me suits."

"Eggsy, I seriously hope you don't still wear any of them. The fit would be terrible and the cut out of date."

"What exactly is the job Harry?" Eggsy asked, rolling his eyes.

"Tailor." Harry grinned.

"No Harry, not any more than you's a fucking curator."

"I assure you, I am qualified as both."

"Well I ain't, so what do you want me for?"

"We don't have a lion tamer."

Eggsy laughed hard enough that he had tears in his eyes.

"Pays to be prepared, yeah?"

"Indeed."

"So we leaving right now?" Eggsy asked.

"I've got time for a pint, it is surprisingly good here, and you have until 0800 tomorrow to get yourself to Kingsman Tailors on Savile Row. Plenty of time to make your excuses."

"Well cheers then Harry. And congratulations." Eggsy picked up the Carlsberg and drank off a third in one swallow. "Am I gonna get to meet him?"

"Undoubtedly." Harry smiled. "He's looking forward to it."

* * *

 **AN2** What does Harry have against nudists? Sorry, no idea. Perhaps it is just the idea of seeing his boss naked (again, he will have been under observation beforehand after all)?

The big plot-hole is why Kingsman brought in a civilian. I've decided it was because Eggsy was exactly Shahbandar's type and it was easier to use an actual descendent of one of the original 'art liberators' than for Merlin to make one up that would stand up to the background check a paranoid arms dealer would do. Not convinced? Oh well.


End file.
